While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
