I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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