I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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