we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
