Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
