After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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