yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize