You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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