I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
