sarcasm needs its own font
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
