I hate your face
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
