So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
