Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Randomize
