oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize