Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
