I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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