I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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