I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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