I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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