I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
