office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize