hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
