I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You dont lie about slip and slides
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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