Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
