I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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