My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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