if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
