she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
