is your mom at the bar?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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