tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
