I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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