drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
