btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize