how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
