I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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