im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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