once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
