i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Terrible idea I love it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
