Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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