yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
