I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
