his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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