great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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