God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
