I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
