sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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