My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
