Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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