Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
