So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
