My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
