On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I wish there were birth control emojis
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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