When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
