how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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