3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Are we in a gay sports bar?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
