I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
