Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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