How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
