what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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