Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
being pregnant is like rehab
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
