Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
