What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
